I didn’t get to do the ritual I had planned for Samhain and I’m still really upset about it. I did however stop on the way back from Jim’s house in front of the corn field where he died to just spend a few quiet moments in reflection. Strangely, when I turned to look at the trail of beaten down corn I noticed that I stopped right where the moon was lined up perfectly above the trail. It made me feel kind of neat actually. The other things I’d planned to do, such as a walk out to the back of the fields at the farm (Jim had about 200 acres of land), an actual ritual with a part for remembering the dead, setting an empty place at the table where he usually sat and lighting a white candle in the window did not happen. Part of this was due to the fact that it was pouring rain on Samhain and I was at Jim’s house with family and friends for the traditional Sunday dinner, only this time it was his son Matthew who cooked that night in memory of Jim. The table was packed so there really wasn’t any room for placing and empty plate out… and there wasn’t really anywhere for the candle to go either since most of the windows out there are covered with plants, papers, books and anything else. I was and still am disappointed with myself for not doing anything but circumstances didn’t really allow it. I might do something tonight instead since it is the dark moon but I’m not really feeling too great today.
I’ve been feeling fairly down since I got back up here. I’m really happy to be back but I think I’m still hurting about the loss of someone so special. One thing that was really great was that I got to write and read a Eulogy at the funeral. I cried throughout most of it but it was something I was really grateful mom asked me to do. Since then I’ve hardly cried at all… well except three days later when we had to put down Wolfie, our family dog, who’d been with us for 13.5 years. He was blind, diabetic and had recently hurt himself then fallen down a flight of stairs… mom figured it was time. I went with her and I’m glad I did. It was nice being able to be there.
So yeah, I was glad to get home to my puppy and kitty. Toby’s name has been changed to Toby James in honour of Jim who was both a people and animal lover. He’s looking so beautiful and getting so big! Rusty still seems to be tolerating him for the most part too. We’re kennel training Toby and so far it’s going pretty well. He’s now going into his kennel on his own and we’ve even started tying him out alone for short periods of time and he’s started actually staying out and doing his business all by himself. I’m so proud of him. He’s also learning some basic commands already like “sit” and “in your house” when we want him to go in his kennel and he’s even starting to respond to “come”. He’s getting better with biting too which is a relief since puppy teeth are really sharp.
I haven’t done a whole lot around the house since I got back though. I just haven’t had the energy. I take care of the dog and that’s often about it. The dishes need to be done (something that I usually keep on top of), the living room needs to be vacuumed, I haven’t even been making the bed anymore! I haven’t been writing or painting either. I did do all of the laundry and washed the kitchen floor mind you but I just feel so blah. I don’t know if it’s just residual blah from what’s happened recently or the short days but I’m just feeling pretty lazy.
I’m feeling alone these days too. I have B but I miss my girlfriends. I read about them going out and doing things together and I don’t even want to go outside up here because it’s so damn cold. Even the people I’ve started to hang out with here aren’t quite the same. I have no one to talk to other than B and sometimes it’s nice to have more than one opinion on things… sometimes it’s nice just to have another female opinion. I miss shopping and movies and sleepovers and all sorts of stuff like that. It’s not that I’m unhappy up here. I’m really enjoying the freedom, creativity and relaxation this lifestyle affords me… but I am lonely for company. I just can’t relate to a lot of the people up here who think that having a good time needs to include drinking and/or drugs… considering this is a dry community that just drives me insane. *sigh* It’s just a different lifestyle that I can’t relate to.