Goth face

(no subject)

I am a jealous person. I don't play well with others because I want everything to be focused on me. I have trouble sharing. I want it all to myself. A lot of the time I live in my head. I'd like to blame it all on my childhood. How I wasn't able to be selfish and enjoy life after my mother got sick. How I had to grow up so quickly and take on responsibility that no 12 year old should have to deal with. But I know that can't be the only reason. There must be more to it. Besides, I don't like hiding behind an excuse like that...
I'm not sure if I'm helping you or making things worse by telling you this, but my childhood sucked too.

My mother killed herself when I was 9, and the years preceding that my father was on the road working and I was babysitting her because she was constantly drunk. After she killed herself my father, instead, came home drunk and stayed that way all my waking hours.

I am not a jealous person, though perhaps I was in my teenage years. My accounting of that was more along the lines of "everyone else was doing it" rather than really who I am. In fact I believe in a great part it was my childhood, my status as an ACOA (adult child of alcoholics) and RAD (reactive attachment disorder) that are responsible for my lack of really giving a shit what anyone else does because I know I have, and will always continue, to look after myself. That's a Pavlovian trained thing, and the root of the attachment disorder that neglected children have as adults. I don't need 'em, don't want 'em, don't care. In fact I wish they'd (all people) would just go away and leave me alone. Of course, the social nature of humans still exists creating the conflict that is the disorder.

Jealousy is usually indicative of insecurity, it's the belief in one's self and one's worth (or in my case at times, simple apathy) that dissipates it. I'm sure at some point I've suggested to you "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, it really is a good read for feelings such as the ones that you have. It's $15 well spent, and if you don't agree afterward then I'll be happy to trade you the money for the book - someone borrowed mine and never returned it.

Good luck Kaleekolai.

Actually I really appreciate your feedback and input. Thank you. I think it's time to find that book you suggest. I totally forgotten about it.

If you like it you can go on to "Mastery of Awareness" and "Mastery of Love" which are excellent too - by the same author.

It really *really* helped me during a time of extreme depression and extreme stress in my life. It turned my perception 180 degrees. My issues weren't the same as yours, but they were every bit as harmful to my peace and happiness and I suspect they had very mucht the same deep-rooted source. I've recommended it a dozen times at least, and to those that did read it thanked me for pointing them there.

You can find it in the same section as all the pagan books usually. It has an orange-y cover. Again, good luck! Let me know when you read it, what you think.
I actually looked it up online last night and it's a book that I've seen in the stores a few times. It's caught my attention but I've never actually picked it up. I'm thinking of getting the Mastery of Love one too. I think that could be helpful to me as well. Thank you again for the suggestion. I'm going to see if I can pick it up after work tonight! :D
I picked up The Four Agreements, Mastery of Love AND the Mastery of Love inspirational cards! I just loved the illustrations on them! Thanks again for the suggestion. I'm hoping to start reading them this weekend!