Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

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exam and more

I feel marginally better than I did this morning. This is mainly because I did really well on my exam (thank the Goddess seeing as I studied my ass off). I got 85% and am now averaging A-/B+ in the class. I hope I can get it up to an A.

I stayed at work late and just went straight to class. For some reason I just couldn't be bothered to go home in between. I got there really early so I sat outside for a bit and did some writing and a bit of my readings for the week. At one point I just observed people going by and starting thinking that I don't fit in. I noticed that this seems to be a feeling I get quite often. I felt that I didn't fit in with my pagan friends... they were so secure in their faith and I was just flopping around like a fish on land. I felt that I didn't fit in with my mundane friends... they seemed more compassionate, receptive, supportive, better listeners, whereas I tended to be unable to be supportive, would space out too much to be a good listener or be receptive. I felt that I didn't fit in at work... so many people there developped closed relationships, going out on breaks together, hanging out after work, talked together, laughed together, went for coffee together... I just sat at my desk and worked, unable to impose by inviting myself along. I even feel like I don't fit in before I even try to fit in... I was looking up Wiccan covens online (seeing as I've finally realized that Wicca is something that DOES fit... maybe because I can be solitary) and I would see a group that I thought might be interesting but also found ways that I didn't "fit" in... they worship different Gods, they are activists, they have a tradition that might be to strict for me to follow, I couldn't commit to the amount of time they wanted you to invest... I'm sure I could go on. The point is, I don't even try. I give up before I even begin and it's awful.

The only word that keeps running through my head is apathy. I think that says enough.

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