Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows
kaleekolai
  • Mood: frustrated
  • Music: Emm Gryner - Crazy Train (cover)

Nightmares

I had nightmares again last night. I've been having trouble sleeping for a few weeks now either because of really vivid dreams or because of what I consider to be nightmares. My nightmares aren't actually "scarey" in the horror film kind of way but rather they're frustrating... last night it was about my exam that I'm supposed to get back tonight. I went to class to get it and it wasn't there... it had gone missing. I was sick with worry, I've been stressing about this exam since I wrote and here I'm about to find out how I did only to find out instead that it's missing. It was so frustrating and there was nothing I could do about it. Very upsetting. My nightmares are usually like that... mentally or emotionally devastating.

I left for work late this morning. I just couldn't get into the swing of things. Then an older man on the bus asked me if I believed in Jesus. I knew I didn't want to get into a stupid conversation about religion but I knew I should say something so I said yes. Which is true to an extent... I believe he was a person who lived on the Earth about 2000 years ago. To my surprise the guy just said "good" followed by "he's coming back soon, eh?"...to which I could do nothing but nod and smile. I had about 100 cheeky remarks run through my head, but I didn't want the conversation to continue any further.

Today was a day for music though... I had a cover of Crazy Train running through my head all morning.

Work wasn't any better. Some of the programs on my computer were messed up and I had to get that fixed. We have a new program for taking orders that is still buggy and I was just feeling stressed overall from everything else lately. It seems that so much has been going on these past few weeks that I can't even put my finger on any one thing. I feel like my life is going out of control and I don't know what to do about it. But then again I haven't really tried to do anything about.. my lack of ambition or drive lately has extended to the point where I'm not even doing anything about my own life. Well I did want to do a ritual that might have helped but that's just another way I've let myself down...by not acting on it. It doesn't help that there isn't a spot in my apartment that isn't completely cluttered and therefore lacks any element of sacredness. I can't even put up my goddamn altar because of the mess and I really want to! Even a small temporary one!! So here I am constantly letting myself down by not doing the things I want to do or have to get done and it just makes things worse. I'd like to say that I need to find away to get myself out of this slump, but in truth I need to find a way to get myself motivated enough to find a way out of this slump. Figure that out.

More ranting to follow after work I'm sure.
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