Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

On Pride & life

A belated happy pride to all who celebrate it.

I didn't go to pride this year. I had intended to, planned to but didn't. I love the community and the atmosphere but I've realized that I feel like a poser when I'm in the village. I'm not comfortable enough with my sexual identity to really feel like part of the community.

I tend to self-identify as bisexual, which is often frowned upon by both the gay and straight communities. A lot of people assume that if you're bisexual, you're also polyamorous. There's also the whole "if you've never been with someone of the same gender, how do you know?" mentality. Yeah, I guess I don't know what it's like to be in a same sex relationship but I do know that I'm attracted to women. Despite this, it does make me feel like I really don't "belong" until I've had the experience.

The other problem that I have is that my desire to stay home and relax usually outweighs my desire to go out. I feel most comfortable at home, playing video games and taking it easy.

I know that my video game habit is part escapism, part procrastination and part comfort tool but I don't seem to want to break it. It's what I want to do, it's what I find interesting these days and it makes me happy.

There's a part of me that wishes things were different but I really don't have the desire needed to change. I feel like this is bad and unhealthy and I should want to change.

So, I have trouble making any kind of real friendship with anyone and I don't go out much. I miss events like pride and get togethers but at least I have a white mage at level 75. *sigh* That's important right?

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