Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

Now I just know this one's going to be long!

Lots to say... let's start at back a few days when I wasn't feeling up to writing. I've been trying to take a few minutes out of each morning to just sit quietly in my book/altar room. I cast a circle and ground myself then just try to relax and clear my mind. Naturally, this doesn't come easily (or at all for that matter), but I'm sure if I keep up with it I'll eventually be able to stop the incessant mind chatter. So far it seems to be helping keep me feeling more balanced throughout the day. I might even say it's taken the edge off of some things that I previously found stressful (ie - work).

One thing that's been on my mind lately is the full moon circle I mentioned previously. I didn't mention this before, because I was thinking about talking it over with C, but I think I may have "figured things out" on my own to some extent. You see, not only did I have the really intense reaction of distress/anxiety, I also saw two different trees. There was the first tree that I didn't want to leave...the one that caused the upset, and at one point another one appeared. These two trees couldn't have been any more different (well maybe they could have). My first tree, the one I grounded with and got "stuck" on was tall, with a fairly thin trunk, long, deeply grooved bark and fall coloured (mostly yellow) leaves. The other tree had a very wide trunk, similar bark, though smoother and the grooves ran pretty much the whole height of the tree. It had what was kind of like a mushroom top shape to the leaves which were very thick and beautiful green. This tree was also next to a peaceful body of water, a small lake or pond I'd say. There was a peaceful quality to this tree, though I didn't become part of it, I only observed it from a distance. I could see myself sitting beneath it, leaning against the trunk, even walking around it, but I was always the observer. I now feel...after much thought about what this might mean... that I am about to "change". I am going to have to "let go" or give up something (probably something that is very much a part of me) and move on to something new. Whatever I'm giving up is going to be very hard for me, but in the end I will find a new sense of self. A calmer, deeper, renewed... perhaps even whole self.

I went to my Dad's this weekend. I had a really nice time. We went to my brother's place because my nephew was being blessed and afterwards he took me to the music store in town to buy a guitar. My Dad's been playing the guitar longer than I've been alive, so I figured he'd be able to help get something decent. Not to mention he can play, so I could actually hear the sound!! So $400 later, I'm all equipped and have been playing around with it a bit. Learning the actual chords won't be too hard, it's learning to move my fingers from one to the other that will take some time...not to mention getting my fingers toughened up!! I'm so glad he was there to help me out... I would have been clueless on my own!! It was fun too because he helped me tune it (with the tuner he bought me) and even showed me which chords would be the best to learn first. I want to play all night, but my fingers are saying "no fucking way asshole!".

There's a bit of tension in my life right now and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Part of me thinks I should just ignore/forget about it... the other part wants to just get it out. Problem is, I don't even know how to go about dealing with it... well the ignoring it part is easy enough, the getting it out isn't so easy. I think for now I'm so unsure of what to do that I should actually give it some thought first and go from there. Was that vague and convoluted enough for you?

I think that was all... but with my mind you just never know!

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