July 9th, 2003

midnight

I seem to be having such a weird time these past few nights. I'm staying up much later than I should, unable to fall asleep. I have weird dreams which isn't that abnormal, but causes me to wake up feeling unrested. I also realized tonight after going for a walk with a friend and shooting the shit that I have way too much running through my mind right now. My brain is probably short circuiting or something. It took so much for me not to just break down and cry... and I hate being a downer, but it was good to just bitch for a bit.

I also wanted to get a few things done today and didn't get them done. That tends to make me feel a bit low too because I almost feel as though I've let myself down... again. I keep saying that I'm going to take my life into my own hands and smarten up but I always end up slipping back into my old habits. The more it happens the worse I feel. It's at the point where I've almost convinced myself that I just can't stick with anything, so I either don't try in the first place or give up. I can't really explain why this happens to me, and it is frustrating for me because I don't want to be like that. I want to be ambitious and passionate about at least one or two things, and I want it to last for more than a month!

Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore... other days I'm just fine. Of course all the crap seems to hit the fan at the same time, doesn't it?
  • Current Mood
    gloomy gloomy

Nightmares

I had nightmares again last night. I've been having trouble sleeping for a few weeks now either because of really vivid dreams or because of what I consider to be nightmares. My nightmares aren't actually "scarey" in the horror film kind of way but rather they're frustrating... last night it was about my exam that I'm supposed to get back tonight. I went to class to get it and it wasn't there... it had gone missing. I was sick with worry, I've been stressing about this exam since I wrote and here I'm about to find out how I did only to find out instead that it's missing. It was so frustrating and there was nothing I could do about it. Very upsetting. My nightmares are usually like that... mentally or emotionally devastating.

I left for work late this morning. I just couldn't get into the swing of things. Then an older man on the bus asked me if I believed in Jesus. I knew I didn't want to get into a stupid conversation about religion but I knew I should say something so I said yes. Which is true to an extent... I believe he was a person who lived on the Earth about 2000 years ago. To my surprise the guy just said "good" followed by "he's coming back soon, eh?"...to which I could do nothing but nod and smile. I had about 100 cheeky remarks run through my head, but I didn't want the conversation to continue any further.

Today was a day for music though... I had a cover of Crazy Train running through my head all morning.

Work wasn't any better. Some of the programs on my computer were messed up and I had to get that fixed. We have a new program for taking orders that is still buggy and I was just feeling stressed overall from everything else lately. It seems that so much has been going on these past few weeks that I can't even put my finger on any one thing. I feel like my life is going out of control and I don't know what to do about it. But then again I haven't really tried to do anything about.. my lack of ambition or drive lately has extended to the point where I'm not even doing anything about my own life. Well I did want to do a ritual that might have helped but that's just another way I've let myself down...by not acting on it. It doesn't help that there isn't a spot in my apartment that isn't completely cluttered and therefore lacks any element of sacredness. I can't even put up my goddamn altar because of the mess and I really want to! Even a small temporary one!! So here I am constantly letting myself down by not doing the things I want to do or have to get done and it just makes things worse. I'd like to say that I need to find away to get myself out of this slump, but in truth I need to find a way to get myself motivated enough to find a way out of this slump. Figure that out.

More ranting to follow after work I'm sure.
  • Current Music
    Emm Gryner - Crazy Train (cover)

exam and more

I feel marginally better than I did this morning. This is mainly because I did really well on my exam (thank the Goddess seeing as I studied my ass off). I got 85% and am now averaging A-/B+ in the class. I hope I can get it up to an A.

I stayed at work late and just went straight to class. For some reason I just couldn't be bothered to go home in between. I got there really early so I sat outside for a bit and did some writing and a bit of my readings for the week. At one point I just observed people going by and starting thinking that I don't fit in. I noticed that this seems to be a feeling I get quite often. I felt that I didn't fit in with my pagan friends... they were so secure in their faith and I was just flopping around like a fish on land. I felt that I didn't fit in with my mundane friends... they seemed more compassionate, receptive, supportive, better listeners, whereas I tended to be unable to be supportive, would space out too much to be a good listener or be receptive. I felt that I didn't fit in at work... so many people there developped closed relationships, going out on breaks together, hanging out after work, talked together, laughed together, went for coffee together... I just sat at my desk and worked, unable to impose by inviting myself along. I even feel like I don't fit in before I even try to fit in... I was looking up Wiccan covens online (seeing as I've finally realized that Wicca is something that DOES fit... maybe because I can be solitary) and I would see a group that I thought might be interesting but also found ways that I didn't "fit" in... they worship different Gods, they are activists, they have a tradition that might be to strict for me to follow, I couldn't commit to the amount of time they wanted you to invest... I'm sure I could go on. The point is, I don't even try. I give up before I even begin and it's awful.

The only word that keeps running through my head is apathy. I think that says enough.
  • Current Music
    Madonna - Frozen