Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

  • Mood:

Disappointment and dreams

I didn't go in to work again today and I'm feeling down about it. I was up late last night and couldn't sleep because somehow I'd gotten chilled to the point where I couldn't get warm. When I woke up this morning I just felt like total crap. I didn't want to go anywhere. I've missed so much work this year already, mostly due to the problems I had with one medication the doctor put me on for a week. Between that, the anxiety and my migraines, I've used up all of my sick days already and I'm just feeling crappy about missing yet another day.

The worst part is that I'm not so much upset about not making it in to work as I am upset that I couldn't seem to get myself to make it in to work. I'm more upset about the mindset behind the absence. I feel like I'm slipping. I used to be so good at my job and just loved going in to work each day. Lately, I just feel kind of down, don't feel like I'm performing my job as well as I did and can't get motivated. I really am starting to feel like a crap employee and I don't like it... but I don't really feel like I have the energy to do much about it. I try not to let it come through to the customers or my co-workers but I just feel like the enthousiasm I had before is gone. I'm disappointed with myself. I disappointed that I don't really care to do anything about it either.

Do you ever have a dream that is so wonderfully amazing that you try to wake yourself up, hoping it's real and that you aren't sleeping? I had that type of dream the other night. I remember crying because I was so happy. When I finally did wake up, it left me bummed out for the rest of the day though. My waking life seemed so pale in contrast. I don't know if the feeling has truly left yet. I keep thinking about the dream and how happy I was... not that my real life sucks, it's just when you have a dream where some of your dearest wishes/desires are fulfilled, anything else just doesn't seem quite as good. My life right now is so amazing that I have to find some way to pull myself out of this funk and enjoy these good times!

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