Goth face

Not so good at posting these days

I used to be so good. I used to post almost every day. Not so much anymore. I write in my paper journal on a fairly regular basis but I just haven't been finding the time or energy to write on here anymore. Half the time, I'm not even sure what to write. One thing's for sure, I'm glad it's Friday.

This week has been a rough one for me. My stomach has been on the fritz since Sunday (a combination of nerves and gastritis) so I've been having trouble getting much food into me. Between the pain and the minor panic attacks, I'm just feeling really wiped out. Thankfully, this should be a pretty relaxed weekend for me as the only plans I have are for a relaxing visit to my friend Dee's place on Saturday night/Sunday.

I've been living in fear and worry for so many months now that I don't even know where it all started. I worry about things that I don't need to worry about simply because somewhere along the way I lost my sense of self-worth and developed a knack for feeling insecure. This week, despite my illness, has largely been devoted (mentally) to breaking free of the cycle of doubt and insecurity that I seemed to keep slipping in and out of. I have to rediscover my strength, and after a chat with C last night, I think I also have to make peace with my flaws. So far, so good. I'm struggling only with myself but I am finally taking charge of the doubts that were previously taking charge of me (and really affecting my life/relationships). I am not allowing them to have the power over me that they once did. Each time they creep back into my conscious mind, I focus on the truth of my life. If a doubt about something creeps into my head, I immediately turn my thoughts to real events that are concrete examples of all the love and support that is truly in my life.

I am also trying to be more independent. I used to be very independent and much more sure of myself. I want that back. I need to be content with my own company again because my friends and family can't always be right here with me, just like I can't always be with them. There are times where I will be alone and I have to be okay with that.

You see, somehow I have equated "alone" with "worthless" or "unworthy". Naturally, this causes me a large amount of emotional distress. What I'm now working on is seeing "alone" as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I need to see it just as it is - people have lives; it's not personal.

I'm also trying to free myself from my need for constant reassurance and outside input. For whatever reason (probably the above mentioned insecurity) I constantly need to hear that things are "okay". It drives me nuts because it means that I have trouble just being content with certain things myself. I often seek outside approval/reassurance/opinion in order to help determine how I should act/respond to something. It's more than just getting a second opinion a lot of the time, it's actually formulate my opinion/action based on the opinion of others.

In my own defense, none of these things are absolutes or things that I always do, they are just things that I do more often than I should. Things that impact my sense of calm and happiness. Things that cause undue stress on me and others around me.

I've had a few of my dear, close friends tell me that I can be too hard on myself sometimes. These changes are part of the effort to let go of those negative self-perceptions that cause me to be hard on myself.

It has been a challenging week for me, but a good week nonetheless. I truly believe and feel that I have made a great amount of progress.
  • Current Mood: accomplished
I'm glad to see a post from you! And penguins on your LJ now - so cute and appropriate! :)

Darling, you are often too hard on yourself, for sure. It's hard to let go of some of these negative thoughts though, and you are doing great! This week is just a perfect example because, while these thoughts were there, you looked at them face on and found fun times despite them! Ideally they would eventually go away, but living well *with* them while they are still around is a HUGE accomplishment. You are a strong and power-full woman, even if you don't always feel like you are. *hugs*
Thanks so much. I'm already reaping the benefits of facing these "demons" so I intend on continuing and looking forward to that point where they do go away as you mentioned.

Thank you too for the email the other day. It really helped too. Gave me just a bit more understanding of the other side of the coin, so to speak. :)
Darn it! You're making me feel all good and mushy! Thank you. I really feel lucky to have a "colleague" like you. ;) You have helped give me so much strength these past few months but most of all, I really appreciate your (often sarcastic) reality checks.

Thank you for this message. It means a lot coming from someone who I know will tell it like it is (even when it's not what you want to hear!).