Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows
kaleekolai

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Not so good at posting these days

I used to be so good. I used to post almost every day. Not so much anymore. I write in my paper journal on a fairly regular basis but I just haven't been finding the time or energy to write on here anymore. Half the time, I'm not even sure what to write. One thing's for sure, I'm glad it's Friday.

This week has been a rough one for me. My stomach has been on the fritz since Sunday (a combination of nerves and gastritis) so I've been having trouble getting much food into me. Between the pain and the minor panic attacks, I'm just feeling really wiped out. Thankfully, this should be a pretty relaxed weekend for me as the only plans I have are for a relaxing visit to my friend Dee's place on Saturday night/Sunday.

I've been living in fear and worry for so many months now that I don't even know where it all started. I worry about things that I don't need to worry about simply because somewhere along the way I lost my sense of self-worth and developed a knack for feeling insecure. This week, despite my illness, has largely been devoted (mentally) to breaking free of the cycle of doubt and insecurity that I seemed to keep slipping in and out of. I have to rediscover my strength, and after a chat with C last night, I think I also have to make peace with my flaws. So far, so good. I'm struggling only with myself but I am finally taking charge of the doubts that were previously taking charge of me (and really affecting my life/relationships). I am not allowing them to have the power over me that they once did. Each time they creep back into my conscious mind, I focus on the truth of my life. If a doubt about something creeps into my head, I immediately turn my thoughts to real events that are concrete examples of all the love and support that is truly in my life.

I am also trying to be more independent. I used to be very independent and much more sure of myself. I want that back. I need to be content with my own company again because my friends and family can't always be right here with me, just like I can't always be with them. There are times where I will be alone and I have to be okay with that.

You see, somehow I have equated "alone" with "worthless" or "unworthy". Naturally, this causes me a large amount of emotional distress. What I'm now working on is seeing "alone" as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I need to see it just as it is - people have lives; it's not personal.

I'm also trying to free myself from my need for constant reassurance and outside input. For whatever reason (probably the above mentioned insecurity) I constantly need to hear that things are "okay". It drives me nuts because it means that I have trouble just being content with certain things myself. I often seek outside approval/reassurance/opinion in order to help determine how I should act/respond to something. It's more than just getting a second opinion a lot of the time, it's actually formulate my opinion/action based on the opinion of others.

In my own defense, none of these things are absolutes or things that I always do, they are just things that I do more often than I should. Things that impact my sense of calm and happiness. Things that cause undue stress on me and others around me.

I've had a few of my dear, close friends tell me that I can be too hard on myself sometimes. These changes are part of the effort to let go of those negative self-perceptions that cause me to be hard on myself.

It has been a challenging week for me, but a good week nonetheless. I truly believe and feel that I have made a great amount of progress.
Tags: changes, confidence, happiness, introspection
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