Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows
kaleekolai

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Life is good

I've been off of my anti-depressants for two and a half weeks now and feel better than I have in years. I decided to stop seeing my shrink and get off the pills after a rather intense meltdown one Sunday. It was a breaking point and a turning point for me. I realized in that moment of extreme emotion that I wasn't getting any better on the meds, in fact, I'd gotten worse. I think I needed to take the step and trying the shrink/meds because it gave me hope initially but the meltdown made me see that nothing would ever change with meds alone.

You see, most of my stress, anxiety and depression comes from my own thoughts. My mind creates doubts, worry and nightmares. If I'm not dealing with these thoughts, how is medicine going to make me feel better? I needed to deal with my mind and why it was leading me to this state of misery and negativity.

I have to honestly say that it was Jboy's love for me that pulled me into a state of clarity. Having him hold me tight, tell me how much he loved me and let me know that everything was going to be okay, exposed my fears for what they were... creations of my own mind. His reaction at that low point, when I was at my worst, was in such sharp contrast to the fear in my mind (fear that he didn't care about me or love me and that he would leave me because of my emotional swings) that I saw and knew the falseness of my thoughts and fears with a clarity that was almost overwhelming. It was a feeling and thought that I held on to that next week as I stopped my meds - cold turkey.

Any time my mind tried to slip back into it's old state of insecurity and fear, I immediately stopped myself and gently reminded myself that I am loved and that the things I often fear never come to pass.

I had a great week but had another meltdown on that next Sunday. It was a bad one, perhaps my worst. I conquered it, Jboy stuck with me and I haven't had another so far. Even my mindframe has improved drastically. I am hopeful, I am generally cheery and happy and I'm feeling good about myself.

I'm still challenging myself to eat better - focussing on how well I do instead of how often I slip up - and try to exercise at least once a day even if it's only 10-15 minutes. It makes a difference too. I'm noticing that I truly WANT to walk more now and WANT to eat healthier foods. Of course I still have my salty food cravings but I don't give it the energy and focus that I used to. Now I focus on the good choices I make and keep them in the foreground.

Things are well. Life is good.
Tags: depression, eating, exercise, hope, vacation
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