Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

Sometimes when you lose... you win

This morning was rough... I woke up an saw a music video that really shook me up. It sounds strange but I think it was the way that it dealt with death. There were countdowns above the heads of each person showing how many seconds they had left in their life and you get to see one count down to zero. There was only one person who could see this countdown. Something about the whole concept of seeing how much time each person had left on this earth really caused me to feel upset. I can't imagine what I would do if I knew how long each person had left in their life...would I perhaps become more compassionate? Or would I go crazy?

With thoughts of death and losing my loved ones on my mind, I packed up my things and grabbed my coat to head off to worry only to discover that I'd lost my metropass. It wasn't in the pocket of the coat I was wearing yesterday and it wasn't in the pocket of the pants I'd been wearing either. I checked the various places in my room where I might have left it to no avail, grabbed some change and headed out feeling like I'd just been kicked in the stomach. (For those of you not familiar with the metropass, it's a piece of plastic for using the transit system here that costs $100) As I walked to the streetcar stop, I scoured the ground hoping that I'd find it lying there on the sidewalk... of course, I didn't find it.

I got on the streetcar feeling pretty low and feeling angry. I was going to stop at Union Station to see if I could buy a new card and I was not pleased at the fact that I'd be needing to fork over another $100. I sat in my seat so wrapped up in feeling upset that I couldn't think of much else. The strange thing was that I noticed the feelings and was very aware of the fact that they were just feelings and that they were impermanent. I still couldn't seem to stop myself from hanging onto the frustration and anger though and when I arrived at Union only to find out that I couldn't get a new pass there because it's too late in the month and then had to pay another fare to get back down to the subway. Now I was even less impressed and by the time I got to work, I just didn't want to talk to anyone.

A little while later one of my co-workers arrived and says "You're Metropass is on the floor". I just about died. I turned around and there it was, lying on the floor. I still have no idea where it came from. I used it to get home last night so it hasn't been here all night, I'm wearing a different jacket than I was yesterday and I'd checked my bag and everything. I was dumfounded and so completely relieved and overwhelmed that I actually broke into tears. I feel like I am part of the twilight zone or a quantum physics experiment... where the heck did the thing come from and how did I get all the way to work and only have it drop from wherever it was hiding when I got to my desk? Needless to say, I'm insanely grateful and felt like K (who pointed it out on the floor) was an angel sent straight from the Universe to let me know that everything is okay.

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