Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

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[Living Buddhism] Struggles

Just for today,
I will be free from improper eating habits.
Just for today,
I will eat properly.

I've been struggling.

I've been struggling since I started with this lifestyle choice and I was struggling before that. I have issues with food and eating. I eat based on what I'm craving, what tastes I want. Eating for me is not about nourishment and hasn't been for a very long time. I eat when I'm full, I eat things that aren't good for me, I eat out or order in instead of cooking for myself. I am eating after noon even though I want to follow the Buddhist schedule. My moments of weakness and craving frequently overcome my desire to adhere to a schedule or proper diet.

I'm not sure why I make the choices that I do. I know intellectually that it isn't the right choice. I know that I'm going to be disappointed but for that moment of gratification I am willing to throw it all away. I am willing to suffer through the stomach ache in order to get every last taste of that food I'm craving.

Sometimes I am stronger than the craving. Sometimes I am able to push it out of my mind long enough to forget about it and therfore overcome it but unfortunately, in the past week or so, this has become less and less the case.

So why is it that I begin to give up like this. Am I perhaps afraid of failure? Or success? Most of us are familiar with the implications of failure but probably less of us are familiar with a fear of success and what it might mean. A part of me is afraid that I will be changed from this experience and, as result, the relationships that I have formed will also change. I'm afraid that I'll come through this thing so changed that those close to me won't recognize me anymore and I will lose those connections. I'm afraid of losing that which I love. By stopping craving and desire I am afraid of becoming numb to the feelings of love and joy. I think part of me is afraid of losing my emotions in general but also I'm afraid of losing my sense of self, especially since I'm exploring a tradition that deals with the idea of no-self or anatman. Of course, part of me feels that my interpretation of that concept is flawed anyway but I still struggle.

I've been struggling.

I have only woken up at the time I wanted to once since I began this process. I have not been able to exert the self-control needed to get up early since then. Even with the change in schedule that allows me more sleep, I have not once, woken up on time. I am disappointed in this weakness of character. Again, I find myself wondering why I resist doing it. The obvious answer is that I love sleeping and don't want to feel "deprived" but I think there's more to it than that. I believe it has a lot to do with the idea of instant gratification but I'm unsure of how to tackle it.

I really do feel that I have to break through these resistances that I have. I'm not sure how but I'm sure it will be difficult.

Just for today,
I will allow myself to be successful.
Just for today,
I will allow myself to fail.
Tags: eating, failure, living buddhism, sleeping, success

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