Goth face

(in)coherent ramblings

Like userinfoLadyDogstar I'm in a bit of a state of numbness and detachment... only I've been here for the better part of a year. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find the time for much introspection, eventhough I want to look inwards, learn things, attune myself. Every now and then I'll feel it just on the edge of my conciousness. I call it my 'witchy' feeling. It always seems just barely on the surface and just slightly out of reach. It is when I'm in this state that I feel calm and happy... feelings which I find myself short on lately.

Yes... lately I've been lonely and melancholy. I feel a distance between myself and the people around me, thought not necessarily a physical distance, I feel some kind of rift. My mind, and probably my heart too, believe that this is simply due to the fact that they have their own lives, seperate from mine. Most of the people around me also have other people in their lives, people that make them happy, people that they are in love with, friends that they are close to, people they can turn to. As I turn around, I see that I am alone in the fact that I don't have that one close friend/lover... this doesn't mean that I don't have friends, because I do. What I'm saying is that almost all the people around already part of a pair and I don't feel comfortable infringing upon that...In some cases, not only do I suffer from "third wheel syndrome" but often I feel more like the fifth, or seventh wheel.... so either I'm the spare in the trunk or not even in the car at all! Forget bicycles!

I find myself feeling upset, left out, depressed, angry and any other amount of negative emotions, especially alone, more often that not... and I'm afraid because I don't know what to do about it. My schoolwork is suffering from it, my health is suffering from it.... I'm suffering. My heart aches, not because I'm single, but because I'm single AND alone. One of the things that stopped me from feeling this way in the past when I was single is surely the fact that I always had one really close friend who didn't really have any obligations to someone else (or at least minimal obligations).

Sometimes I just wonder what's wrong with me. I don't mind being by myself, but it seems I don't like being alone. Make sense? Probably not unless you're in my mind.

I keep thinking if I just do 'X', I'll start to feel better and then I'll want to do 'Y' which will lead to me getting out of this... but I just don't have the energy to start. It's pathetic.

Even that quiz I posted seemed to resonate in me on some depressive level: shedding tears and blood. I've cried so much that sometimes my mind turns to blood... maybe I can bleed it out. I never draw blood, but my mind does get that dark at times. So if you read this and think of sending me a post to "get some help", please don't. I don't find it helpful and it just makes me feel like you think I'm a wack-job. And if that's exactly what you think, please just keep it to yourself because it won't help me any.

Besides, I do have my moments where I'm ok.... at least on the surface.... where it counts, right?
  • Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
  • Current Music: Annie Lennox - The Saddest Song I've Got
*hugs* are all I have to post.

If there's anything I can do sweetheart, you know I'm around.

We really have to get the 3 witches night thing going! Darn rain....

I don't think you're whacked, and I'm not going to tell you to get some help, but for different reasons I know we feel the same.

You sound depressed. There are a few things you can do, and one is medication - it is probably a seratonin problem - not a pyschological one. You can get it from your family doctor.

My depression is cyclic, seasonal. If you think that might be the same, then medications (unless it is severe) aren't much help - it's often gone on it's own before the meds take effect. I find that direct outdoor sunlight helps my mood. It doesn't help my energy much, but mood is a good step forward. If you can get out as much as you can just to sit with the sun on your face, I promise, your mood will improve.

The surface isn't what counts. And... pick up a little book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's an easy read, and it might help too. It helped me resolve my feelings over my last relationship that left me feeling (at the SAD time: this time of year) at least as horrible as you feel.

If you want to chat about my experiences with shit like this, then MSN me or ICQ me - if you need my info just ask me or ladydogstar and if you catch me on a day that's good for me I may even pull up your chart and take a peek.

I reiterate, I'm not telling you to "get therapy" and I don't think you need that, but if my assumption is right, then it may not get better if you don't take some sort of action - and believe me I know how hard it is to do anything. There are simple things though... and they do help.

Thanks Valkyri. I know that I do suffer from a bit of seasonal depression... I'll try to get out in the sun and see if that helps. I figured it didn't because I would still feel drained, but from what you're saying, I'd still feel drained/tired, but probably emotionally better. I'll give it a go. I've tried meds before with no success, so I think it's a matter of just working things out for myself... maybe have a look at that book too.
In truth, everyone you meet is going to have an "obligation" to someone or something else. It's human nature. It could be a lover, it could be a sick parent or a stressful job, but everyone has some kind of devotion (willing or not) to something in their lives. You can't judge people on their friendship because they have other people in their lives, hon.

You do as well, even if it doesn't seem like it. Clearly, if you already have three comments. :-)

If the depression is seriously affecting your work and school to the degree you say, it might be time to try therapy and / or medication, as Valkrie suggested. Could be a chemical imbalance, could be emotional, I don't know, but I can tell by the way you write that this is a serious matter that has NO reflection on your personal virtues or talents. You are not pathetic, or anything else.

(PS No, I'm not rejecting your request and telling you you're crazy or shoving advice down your throat - I'm not one to talk! I've been in therapy for years and I'm on 60mg of Prozac a day. I can relate to the distance / numbness and the cyclical depression.)

Take care of yourself, and if you need someone to watch over you, ask them, without fear or prejudice. More often than not, I bet there will always be someone willing to keep an eye on you. Even me from New England! ;-)
I think I might have been unclear. I know and understand that people are going to have other obligations. That's half the problem... because I know that and know that some people will take priority in one's life, I don't want to "monopolize" anyone's time or step on toes, or impose. Almost all the people around me are couples, which means the 'priority' (so to speak) will naturally go to the partner, as is normal. I guess part of me is feeling like I'm kind of low on the 'priority' scale (sorry I can't think of a better word, but hopefully you'll get my meaning)... and I don't really want to by pushy or selfish, so I usually just kind of sit back and try and deal with my troubles myself, so as not to bother other people by bringing my baggage into their lives.

I also think that I'm probably a bit of an emotionally 'needy' person. I don't know why really, though I could probably come up with some guesses... I guess I find it hard to trust people and find people to really confide in... *shrug* I don't have a very close relationship with my mother, and my relationship with my father is good, but we're almost just getting to know each other, seeing as I saw him infrequently after my parents separated... anyway, I'm rambling...

Thanks for taking the time to care. I do appreciate it.