Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows

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(in)coherent ramblings

Like userinfoLadyDogstar I'm in a bit of a state of numbness and detachment... only I've been here for the better part of a year. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find the time for much introspection, eventhough I want to look inwards, learn things, attune myself. Every now and then I'll feel it just on the edge of my conciousness. I call it my 'witchy' feeling. It always seems just barely on the surface and just slightly out of reach. It is when I'm in this state that I feel calm and happy... feelings which I find myself short on lately.

Yes... lately I've been lonely and melancholy. I feel a distance between myself and the people around me, thought not necessarily a physical distance, I feel some kind of rift. My mind, and probably my heart too, believe that this is simply due to the fact that they have their own lives, seperate from mine. Most of the people around me also have other people in their lives, people that make them happy, people that they are in love with, friends that they are close to, people they can turn to. As I turn around, I see that I am alone in the fact that I don't have that one close friend/lover... this doesn't mean that I don't have friends, because I do. What I'm saying is that almost all the people around already part of a pair and I don't feel comfortable infringing upon that...In some cases, not only do I suffer from "third wheel syndrome" but often I feel more like the fifth, or seventh wheel.... so either I'm the spare in the trunk or not even in the car at all! Forget bicycles!

I find myself feeling upset, left out, depressed, angry and any other amount of negative emotions, especially alone, more often that not... and I'm afraid because I don't know what to do about it. My schoolwork is suffering from it, my health is suffering from it.... I'm suffering. My heart aches, not because I'm single, but because I'm single AND alone. One of the things that stopped me from feeling this way in the past when I was single is surely the fact that I always had one really close friend who didn't really have any obligations to someone else (or at least minimal obligations).

Sometimes I just wonder what's wrong with me. I don't mind being by myself, but it seems I don't like being alone. Make sense? Probably not unless you're in my mind.

I keep thinking if I just do 'X', I'll start to feel better and then I'll want to do 'Y' which will lead to me getting out of this... but I just don't have the energy to start. It's pathetic.

Even that quiz I posted seemed to resonate in me on some depressive level: shedding tears and blood. I've cried so much that sometimes my mind turns to blood... maybe I can bleed it out. I never draw blood, but my mind does get that dark at times. So if you read this and think of sending me a post to "get some help", please don't. I don't find it helpful and it just makes me feel like you think I'm a wack-job. And if that's exactly what you think, please just keep it to yourself because it won't help me any.

Besides, I do have my moments where I'm ok.... at least on the surface.... where it counts, right?

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