Nothing but Crows (kaleekolai) wrote,
Nothing but Crows
kaleekolai

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ruminations

I find myself once again, to be the only single person among my close friends. I have been in this position before and for the most part enjoy my status as a single gal. I feel comfortable on my own and I haven't actively been looking for a partner. I find it curious though to see my friends finding partners. Part of me seems to react in a negative way to it though. I can't really describe it because I don't fully understand it myself. At first I wondered if I was jealous, then I realized that was not quite it. I want to be happy for them and want them to be happy; everyone deserves happiness...but there seems to be a certain... cynicism plaguing me. Again I find myself at a loss for words. I truly can't express the feeling. I fear I may have been acting strangely as a result of this. I pull deeper into my own thoughts more often these days...sometimes completely tuning out the world around me. Some days I feel very alone...other days I feel a sense of wholeness and energy coursing through my body. I'm coming to understand myself better and my own power. I believe I am becoming more attuned to my own needs and thoughts...though I still have a long way to go. As I sit here though, I feel as though there is something buried within my mind. Something that I need to know, but can't quite hear or understand. The message is just out of reach of my conscious mind. I would try meditation if I were able to do it, but I can't stop the incessant chatter of my mind and find myself frustrated or asleep instead. Perhaps I will just go for a walk instead...
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