Goth face

(Writing) BF: Lie To Me

Lie to me
Brigit's Flame - December: Week 1
Word count: 818
Genre: Fiction




“Thanks for coming with me!” He kissed her, “Did you have a good time?" 

She stared out the car window, watching the landscape go by in a blur. It felt like a dream. The snow sparkled in the moonlight, dressing the world in thousands of tiny diamonds that were reflected in the clear night sky. The smell of a wood fire burning brought her back to her childhood. A time when life seemed simpler.

“Play us another one Daddy,” she’d asked excitedly while dancing in front of the fireplace. He always did. He’d play for them until they ran out of songs.

Her mind came back to the road before them, visible only as far ahead as the headlights could reach. Like life, only a small part of it was illuminated, while the rest happened around you, out of sight.

“Yeah, it was pretty good,” she lied in response to his question. The truth was that she’d been incredibly bored most of the night while he’d mingled with the executives and directors. But he’d been so happy to know she was there, supporting him and even now, she could see how much it had meant to him. There was no point telling the truth. She would have been much happier sitting on the couch, eating a carton of ice cream and watching movies, instead of being dressed in uncomfortable clothes, pretending that she gave a damn about politics and the lives of rich people.

It wasn’t until Annabelle came over and started talking to her that she really started to feel uncomfortable. They’d been introduced earlier in the evening when she’d pointed how interesting Liana’s “vintage” dress was.

“Didn’t Versace have a design just like that a few years ago?” she’d asked, knowing full well that Liana wasn’t wearing anything that even remotely resemble a designer label.

Annabelle had a gift for wrapping insults in a compliment, complete with a satin bow, and Liana had expected to encounter it at a corporate event. Annabelle was simply one of those people who found it easier to shine by making others look dull. Chances were, her own life was a lie, filled with emptiness and disappointment. Liana had ignored the insult and thanked her for the compliment, not wanting to play the game, before excusing herself.

She walked through the crowds of people, each vying to be the centre of attention, showing off their beautiful plumage for one another. An ice sculpture of a beautiful nude angel stood in the middle of the room, surrounded by a theme of gold and diamonds. The entire room was meant to evoke an atmosphere of wealth and beauty. It was not her world.

Annabelle appeared beside her as she watched the crowd from a corner of the room.

“So, you’re John’s new item?” she said, a hint of amusement in her voice.

Liana didn’t answer, knowing that the question was rhetorical.

“I guess he had to look outside the office for a change... I never would have thought you were his type.”

Neither of them said anything for several moments. Liana knew that the comment was meant to be hurtful and she ignored it. She was about to excuse herself when Annabelle turned to her, a look of sudden seriousness on her face, stripped of all pretense.

“Do you love him?”

Liana was stunned for a minute, wondering what had motivated Annabelle to ask her something so personal. It was a deceptively simple question. A question that she had no intention of answering. It was the same question that she’d been asking herself for several weeks. She’d finally admitted the truth to herself but she hadn’t told anyone else. The only person she want to tell was the one person she couldn’t.

“I don’t know,” she lied, just as he pushed his way through the crowd and found them standing there.

“I’ve been looking for you. I have someone I want to introduce you to,” he said, pulling her back into the crowd. She was certain she saw Annabelle wink at her before she disappeared among the glamour and glitz of the guests.

“I know those events aren’t really your thing Li,” his voice brought her back to the present, “Thank you for putting up with it... especially Annabelle.”

She looked at him, his eyes meeting hers before returning to the road. It was uncanny how he knew just the right thing to say.

“You’re welcome,” she said, “You know I don’t mind.” Should she tell him?

“John?”

“Yeah babe?”

Time slowed as they sped home, neither of them speaking for several long moments.

I love you, she thought, and I can’t tell you.

“I love spending time with you. Thanks for inviting me” she said instead. The moment slipped by like the landscape around them and Liana stared back out the window, wondering if he knew the lie for what it was.
This piece is quite short but it gets its point across very effectively! Nice job. :) I was a little confused at first about who she was at first -- you don't mention her name until Annabelle comes up, so I would suggest saying the name Liana in reference to her a bit earlier. Otherwise the reader's not quite sure who is who, or if Liana and Annabelle are both minor characters. I like their names, too!
Oh thanks for pointing that out! =) I really appreciate the feedback and the compliments too.
Hello there, and welcome to the FLAME! Very nice piece :) Quite a good peek at the lives of people who seldom tell the truth for various reasons. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Edit!
Hello you! :) Welcome to the Flame. I'm your editor this week and I have to say I was very impressed and giddy with excitement when reading this - there are a couple of phrases in here that I would've give my right arm to come up with. :)

Usually for edits I just go through and pick out bits that I thought were good, and things that could be improved. It's all just suggestions, and feel free to ask any questions or whatever. Sooo ...

"“Thanks for coming with me!” He kissed her, “Did you have a good time?”"
<-- I have a few things to suggest about this opening line. You use the comma there incorrectly, and there are errors throughout with your dialogue punctuation so here's an article written by the Flame's very own Pipisafoat which I always refer to: http://www.brigits-flame.com/litlib/proper-use-english/pipisafoat-punctuation-quotation.php

Also, be aware of the blocking of your scenes. "He kissed her" suggests she's quite nearby, but she's in a car seat opposite. To get across the physical distance between them, you could have expanded on this kiss: "He leant across the gearstick and pecked her on the cheek."

"dressing the world in thousands of tiny diamonds"
<-- Lovely phrase. Lovely, lovely. Never seen snow likened to diamond clothes before!

"“Play us another one Daddy,”"
<-- You usually serparate names at the end of sentences like this with a comma, so put one after "one". Also, I feel that you can do a lot more to show that "Daddy" is not the man sitting next to her. I genuinely thought they were father and daughter for about half of the piece.

"visible only as far ahead as the headlights could reach. Like life, only a small part of it was illuminated, while the rest happened around you, out of sight."
<-- More gorgeous phrasing. Profound enough to make you nod and go "ahhh", but not pretentious. :)

"It wasn’t until Annabelle came over and started talking to her that she really started"
<-- To get the tense right it should be "she'd really".

"remotely resemble"
<-- "resembled"

"Annabelle was simply one of those people who found it easier to shine by making others look dull."
<-- Pitch perfect. She sounds like a total cow. :)

At this point I will agree with Bellumina that you should have introduced Liana's name a little earlier. We're already attached to this female character s othe first female name that comes along gets connected to her automatically. It's very difficult to leave a character nameless throughout a piece, and usually it's more trouble than it's worth.

"The only person she want to tell"
<-- "wanted"

"“I know those events aren’t really your thing Li,” his voice brought her back to the present, “Thank you ..."
<-- Again, revise your dialogue punctuation here. The way you broke up the sections of speech with that action, bookmarked by commas, isn't technically correct, I don't think.

"welcome,” she said, “You ..."
<-- And again, "said" should have a full stop, not a comma.

"Thanks for inviting me” she said"
<-- And this one *needs* a comma! :D

I think that's all I have for you today! :D Thanks for writing such a great piece, it was fun to edit and I hope to see lots more of you in the Flame. :)

P.S. Bear in mind that I am in the UK so my grammar follows UK rules - I've got into trouble over this before while editing for BF. ;)
Re: Edit!
Hi Thorarosebird! Nice to meet you and thank you so much for the lovely compliment!

The edits are great and very much appreciated! They will definitely help me improve and be more aware of certain things (like blocking scenes) that I tend to overlook.

The link to the writing rules is brilliant and very helpful too! With all the blogging and texting I do these days my grammar's deteriorated quite a bit! Eek! I'm in Canada, so my grammar rules will be pretty similar to yours. =)

I'm glad that you enjoyed the piece. Knowing that even one sentence excited a reader is wonderful!

Thanks again for your hard work and warm welcome. I'm happy to be here!

Edited at 2010-12-09 11:53 pm (UTC)
Re: Edit!
Nice to meet you too and you're welcome! ^__^

I'm really glad that my comments were helpful for you and the link as well - I'm always referring to it. You should take time to read through the other articles there as well as some of them are very informative. And yeah, haha, my grammar gets worse every day too but not to worry! :P

*gives you a cookie*
I thoroughly enjoyed your descriptions. One part that especially stood out to me was: 'Her mind came back to the road before them, visible only as far ahead as the headlights could reach. Like life, only a small part of it was illuminated, while the rest happened around you, out of sight. I love how in creative writing the mundane can be transformed into metaphors containing inspiration and enlightenment. That was achieved very nicely in that line.

I also enjoyed your characterisation of Liana and Annabelle. The former being relatable and the latter being extremely dislikeable, haha. :] You also depicted Liana being the outsider perfectly.

I commend you for the effectiveness of this piece! I look forward to seeing more from you.
Thank you so much! Playing with metaphors and imagery is probably my favourite thing about creative writing. Reading really well constructed ones is always fantastic.

I'm really glad you liked the piece and the characters personalities came through so clearly. =)

The feedback is very much appreciated! Thanks again!