Pride Penguins

On Pride & life

A belated happy pride to all who celebrate it.

I didn't go to pride this year. I had intended to, planned to but didn't. I love the community and the atmosphere but I've realized that I feel like a poser when I'm in the village. I'm not comfortable enough with my sexual identity to really feel like part of the community.

I tend to self-identify as bisexual, which is often frowned upon by both the gay and straight communities. A lot of people assume that if you're bisexual, you're also polyamorous. There's also the whole "if you've never been with someone of the same gender, how do you know?" mentality. Yeah, I guess I don't know what it's like to be in a same sex relationship but I do know that I'm attracted to women. Despite this, it does make me feel like I really don't "belong" until I've had the experience.

The other problem that I have is that my desire to stay home and relax usually outweighs my desire to go out. I feel most comfortable at home, playing video games and taking it easy.

I know that my video game habit is part escapism, part procrastination and part comfort tool but I don't seem to want to break it. It's what I want to do, it's what I find interesting these days and it makes me happy.

There's a part of me that wishes things were different but I really don't have the desire needed to change. I feel like this is bad and unhealthy and I should want to change.

So, I have trouble making any kind of real friendship with anyone and I don't go out much. I miss events like pride and get togethers but at least I have a white mage at level 75. *sigh* That's important right?

I don't get that reasoning, that you don't know unless you try it, because one's sexual identity isn't like sampling food.

I knew I liked girls around the same time I knew I liked boys, and I had no experience with either. You know that when you look at someone that you find attractive, that your groin twinges, or your heart races, and that is a pretty good sign I'd say. It's not like a beautiful display of seafood that really tastes gross, it's not the same thing at all.

Men and women, despite everyone trying their very best to make them as different as they possibly can, really aren't all that different. We're all people, and there is less difference between a man and a woman that both grew up in the same place than there is of two women that grew up in different cultures - but no one questions whether a man should be able to love or be attracted to a Chinese woman.

I don't get the reasoning. I was around 12 or 13 when I discovered I liked girls as well as guys, and I was 30 before I slept with a woman, I was over 30 before I had a relationship with a woman, and in all the time in between there was never any doubt. Not one bit.

I do understand not feeling comfortable in the community. I don't either, because you're right, bi people are looked at as either posers or people who haven't managed to fully cross the line yet. Even if Patrick and I were to break up tomorrow, and I started a relationship with a female with the intention of lifetime monogomy, I still would consider myself bisexual, because out there are men that attract me, and if I weren't in a same sex relationship I could very well be in a hetero one. It's hard for gay and straight people to understand. It's even hard for those "wannabe" bi people who just have sex wtih same sex people, and only have relationships with opposite gendered. I suppose there is nothing wrong with that provided those that do are up front about it.

Anyhow, I guess I've prattled on long enough. Happy Leveling.
Valkyri, thanks so much for replying. I agree with you 100% and I think that's probably why I get so frustrated about it. I really appreciate you sharing your own experiences too, since it really does help to know that someone else out there "gets it" and lives it.

I think I was about the same age when I discovered I liked girls as well as guys. In fact, I found I liked girls before finding out that I liked guys! Thinking about it still gets the old hormones in a whirl!

Off to video game land! ;)

I think I discovered that I liked girls first too. I've had serious thoughts along the way if I wasn't one of those "left hand" kids who was forced to use right hand scissors. Though, when I think deeply on it, I know I'm really ambidextrous. I'm happy in my relationship, my partner is attractive to me, and I enjoy all aspects of our relationship. I still think women are prettier, and I still enjoy many aspects of a physical relationship with a woman more. I do have the option of being poly for the purpose, and perhaps one day that'll happen, but it's not important enough for me to worry about it.

I admit I'd rather be thought of as a repressed lesbian than someone who will play with a chick so their husband/boyfriend/whatever can watch because it's fun and adventurous.

So, what game is it that you play?
Hehe, I am left handed but always used the right handed scissors. ;)

I play Final Fantasy XI online. It's so addictive! lol