Dear Kenji... GTFO.

That is all.

I'm really sorry that I haven't written in you since June... I mean JUNE!! What happened?!

Okay, so a lot happened. J-boy and I have split up. I wasn't happy anymore and it didn't look like things were ever going to change. I'd settled on ending things and making the decision to do it felt right. It also felt scary.

It just kind of happened one night when we had a fight that I finally marshaled up the courage to tell him it was over; I was leaving him. The initial response I got was "you can't leave fast enough". Well, turns out that may not have been the truth but it sure made me feel that I'd done the right thing.

So, I started looking for my new home and found a place that I just fell in love with. J-boy on the other hand, didn't seem to be doing so well ... eventually we had it out about how we both felt. That was when the first bit of doubt started to creep in. I was second guessing myself and the decision to split up. Maybe we'd just needed to talk. I stuck to my guns though. I pretty much had to because I'd already gotten a new place that I really loved and paid my last month's rent on it...but I felt confused and uncertain for a few days, wondering if I had made a terrible mistake.

The feeling did pass after a few days and once I started getting stuff moved in to my new place (a million thanks to C & J and Eumelos for all their help) I started feeling even better. I feel wonderful in my new place. Even with the tons of boxes that are piled everywhere, this is home and it is a happy home.

Before anything got moved in, C & J came over with me and we did a house cleansing and blessing. C took care of most of it, leading me through parts for me to do. It felt good to start things out on a positive note like that. After we finished, we unloaded the bed they were nice enough to give me, and I was able to see just how much space I had. I couldn't believe how big my room was. It's always hard to gauge just how much space you have until there's some furniture in there to give it perspective.

With the help of Eumelos's ZipCar membership and C & J's little SUV, I had everything moved out by the end of Thanksgiving weekend. I couldn't have done it without the help of all of my friends.

The weekend that we finished everything up was a bit rough for me. I stayed up really late working at packing and felt like I was getting nowhere. C & J came and took charge the next day, getting me all packed up and moved out. The worst it got was about midway through the day when I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. I sat down for a few minutes, took some deep breaths and kept at it. The support from everyone (even my friends who weren't able to be there but I knew would be if they could) really pulled me through.

It feels so good to be in my new place. I love it here and I haven't felt this happy and positive in a really long time. Being in my little basement apartment with Apalala-Lizard-Face makes me incredibly happy.

I am overjoyed.

I tried something new the other day and did a watercolour with several washes and a lot of pigment. I think it turned out really well.

( The Painting )

And with the rain comes the migraine. I trudged in to work long enough to realize that I was almost useless, which is unfortunate because we were already short three people. *sigh*

I haven't been terribly busy lately and that's the way that I generally like it. I have, however, been helping out with suggestions and proof-reads of the templum_deorum FAQ. It's actually made me feel quite useful and productive do be doing something helpful. I also started jotting down a "shitty first draft" of a story that had be percolating in my head.

It was a rough week for me pain-wise. My neck and shoulder were bothering me a lot more than usual and I'm not entirely sure why. I had a terrible headache earlier in the week too but I was glad to still be able to function somewhat.

I'm really thrilled about the editing and writing. I kept telling myself that I wanted to do more writing. I wanted to sit down to actually get some thoughts on paper (regardless of whether any of it will be usable) and doing it was very satisfying.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about how I used to be, where I came from and how different or how much the same I am.

I remember being a teenager, singing out loud in the mall with my friends and laughing like crazy. I wonder if I saw the teenage me doing that in a mall today if I'd be amused or annoyed.

I remember running through the cornfields when the stalks rose higher than my head, climbing apple trees and pine trees and finding mystery in the forest.

I have experienced many things up until now and played many different roles. I have wanted to be many things. There are still some things that I would like to embrace. Some might be harmonious and others in conflict. Life is so complex that sometimes I can get lost just thinking about who I am. I try to see the world through the eyes of the teenage me or the young child me. I contemplate how different things will look as I continue to grow older. Sometimes it fascinates me and other times it scares me. I think I am most intrigued by the thoughts that scare me. They are the ones that challenge and bring growth.

I'm super tired but I just had to say...

Star Trek Movie = MADE OF WIN

<3

Also... I don't seem to have a "sci-fi" or "geekery" icon. That may have to be fixed. For now...this squirrel will have to do!

That is all.

I'm having a mild panic attack. Not sure why but it just kind of hit me. Sometimes it's just like that. I must have some thought cross my mind quickly without consciously realizing it. Very bizarre. I've only been getting them rarely these days but it's often a mystery when they do happen. Curiouser and curiouser...

I didn't do a lot for Beltaine this year. I almost let it slip by me without being noticed. I ended up having the house to myself Friday night and had been wanting to try my circle casting again. Instead of using the written circle that I had, I focused simply on the elements as I walked three time around. It worked really well and I felt that the circle I ended up with was not only the strongest I've done but also the most cohesive and balanced. The word that came to mind to describe it was "woven". The circle was woven with the four elements. It felt good and I enjoyed standing within it.

I spent a few short moments focusing on fire. I pictured two giant bonfires on a hill that someone could easily walk between. The image lasted on a few seconds before I felt compelled to do a couple of sun salutations. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time and the appropriateness of it didn't really hit me until just now.

Today J-boy, his daughter and I enjoyed the nice weather by going to High Park. We took a ride on the little train, took some pictures and enjoyed some ice cream. The apple cherry trees are in full blossom and look breathtaking.

( Cherry Tree Pics... )

In unrelated news, I picked up a copy of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. I watched the movie last week and was underwhelmed but intrigued enough that I wanted to see if the book was better. I guess there's still a little bit of a teenage girl in my brain somewhere. I do not have high hopes for the book but my curiosity has been piqued. Of course, I've just finished Feast of Souls and moved on to the next book in the series, Wings of Wrath. So good. So, Twilight may have to wait a bit.

I also have The White Mare on my list of books to read. It was graciously donated by eumelosdrizzle and just from the bit that I've read so far, I'm not sure that I'm going to have much more luck with it than he did. The writing is just not... hmm... compelling? Of course, I'm not even a whole chapter in, so there's still hope... ... ...

I'm glad that it's the weekend. It's been a busy week and I need the rest. We have J-boy's daughter here but that's only for one night really and he's in charge of her.

Last weekend was a rough one for me but also good. I ended up walking down to the waterfront and sitting on a rock as the waves splashed up against it and dark storm clouds rolled in. I lingered a bit longer than I should have because I was caught up in some writing I was doing and ended up walking back in the rainstorm. It was warm and powerful and I really enjoyed it. I probably looked insane walking leisurely while everyone else was scurrying for cover around me. I didn't much care. I love thunderstorms; particularly when it's warm. I was completely soaked when I got back to the apartment but I felt refreshed and invigorated. It was quite the storm.

I've only managed to get one more morning yoga session in this week. Better than nothing! I've had a lot of pain in my shoulder and mentally exhausted so hopefully I'll be able to do more next week.

Last but not least, for those of you who celebrate it, Happy Beltaine.

I'm feeling rather pleased with myself at the present moment. I've managed to get myself to pull out my yoga mat TWICE this week. This Tuesday, before dragging my sorry butt in to work, I unrolled it and did a sun salutation, which is a set of about a dozen yoga poses. I was still a bit under the weather, so the one set was enough to get me mildly winded. This morning I unrolled it again and did two repeats. I would have done more but I didn't have much time (having woken up a little late) and I was happy to have just taken the little bit of time to do any.

Yesterday, I decided that I was going to actively change my perspective. Instead of worrying about my appearance, wondering if I looked frumpy, fat or anything else, I decided that I would revel in my curvaceousness. I wanted to rejoice in the curves that many women have envied and many men have lusted over. I lifted my head high and allowed myself to believe that I was an incredible, delectable, drop dead gorgeous babe. It was incredible. I felt confident and uplifted.

Today on my way home from work, I grabbed some fresh veggies at the produce stand. They had white asparagus on sale, two bunches for $2, so I thought I'd give them a try. I'm not really a fan. But the stir-fry and rice was delicious!

I wonder what tomorrow will have in store for me!

Well, I was feeling better this afternoon and decided to head in for half a day of work. I was still a little stuffed up but nothing so awful I couldn't manage an afternoon's worth of work. People kept complaining that I was going to get them sick and by the end of my required 3.5 hours of work, I was ready to be gone from there. If you don't come in, people complain that there aren't enough people at work; if you do come in, you're in shit for the possibility of others getting sick. Of course, said complaining often comes from the same people who have come in to work in WAY worse health than I did today. Realistically, I could be contagious. Hell, I could feel 100% and still be a carrier of something. But it's been 4 days now and I was feeling well enough to go into the office. It's so frustrating trying to balance the fact that I'm almost out of sick days (after losing my voice for a full week), being expected to come to work if you're feeling well enough (being a good employee) and staying home in order to ensure you aren't getting other people sick.

C'mon!! Give me a freaking break! I'm trying really hard to be a good employee AND good co-worker (sometimes those things feel mutually exclusive) but you just can't please everyone. Cut me some slack would ya?

Anyway, I'm just mildly annoyed and frustrated. I think I give WAY too big of a crap about what others think and need to think more about my own feelings.

/rant

Disclaimer: I know a few people were just teasing me but also worried about germs. I'm sorry. I'm not referring to you and really, really hope that no one gets sick.

Well, I'm sick. I've got some kind of stupid cold that's mostly in my head but also makes my throat feel gross. Not sore but irritated. I've been sniffling and congested all weekend (yay). I've taken tylenol. No help. I've taken antihistamines. Also no help. I've taken a few Riccola lozenges. Soothing and tasty but no help for easing the symptoms.

Sooo... at this point, I'm just hoping that it passes quickly... well, it's already been two days of this but yeah, hopefully not many more.

Just finished reading "Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus" by Orson Scott Card. Loved it. Thanks to zinderfine for recommending it. I'd had it on my shelf for a few years and decided to read it after finishing R. Scott Bakker's "The Darkness That Comes Before", which I also really enjoyed. I'm definitely planning on ordering the other two in Bakker's series but probably won't buy anything else by Orson Scott Card, mainly because he chooses to put forth his personal prejudices (and hate) along with his professional image. No thanks. Love your writing but not interested in supporting you. I'd prefer to spend my money supporting writers that are either keeping their writing and personal prejudices opinions separate, or those that choose to use their powers for the betterment of humanity.
/rant

Now I'm reading the first book of C.S Friedman's most recent series, Feast of Souls (The Magister Trilogy). Really enjoying it. I love her work and the Coldfire Trilogy was probably one of my favourite fantasy series.

There's a reason why I own so many books. I really do love reading. Problem is, I buy books that I think I'll enjoy faster than I can read them! Of course, this is really only a problem for my wallet! ^_^

Why is it that inspiration seems to strike most often right before I fall asleep? You know, it's that moment when you're lying in bed, all snug and cozy, just about to drift off and BLAMMO, you're struck by creative genius. This is what happened to me a couple of nights ago. I'd already stayed up later than I should have and was having trouble falling asleep when words starting running through my head. I'd been starting to drift off and knew that I had to get up and write.

So, at 2am I found myself sitting on the living room couch, scribbling furiously. I've been wanting to write a circle casting for a while now (it's on my list of goals) and that's what was running through my mind. I got a good first draft of it down before heading back to bed. I did some tweaking yesterday and I think I've got something that I'm quite pleased with now. I even tried it out in the living room to see how it flowed. The length seems to be just about right and I like the way it sounds when I speak it out loud.

I'm pretty excited to have it finished because I find it really helps me focus my thoughts (as I knew it would). I can't wait to try it out with friends!

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been hit in the back of the head with a two by four. I let work know I wasn't feeling well and promptly passed back out. At one point, I remember being vaguely aware that I might actually throw up from the pain before passing out again. It bothers me that my body does this. I was fast asleep, having crazy almost nightmarish dreams until 3pm! I can't believe I slept that long but sleeping seems to be the way that my mind and body cope with this.

Most of dreams had to do with travel. I remember traveling across what was supposed to be Quebec but it was filled with these incredible mountains and forest unlike any I've actually seen in Quebec. I kept trying to remind the people that I was with (mainly my assistant manager from work) that it was like the trip to Switzerland that we'd taken with work (referring, as far as I can tell, to another dream I'd had). The crazy thing is that I'm recalling more of the "Switzerland Dream" now that I'm awake. The mountains are what made it so similar. We seemed to be getting lost or running away from things in the dreams, which was odd because I don't know what we were running from. I tried to look at a map when we figured we were lost and it was like a regular book, with the road maps facing different ways on each page. One page North would be pointing to the left side of the page and on the next it would be pointing to the top of the page. I couldn't figure it out.

Another part of the dream involved us stopping at this tourist attraction. It was the ruins of an incredible stone house that was full of stairs and strange levels. Some of the stones looked like they had Egyptian glyphs on them, or at least trying to have that style. They were dark and grey stones. The building was set deep in a forest. I remember seeing the remains of an iron frame for a set of double doors. The most interesting things for me was the fact that there were lobsters everywhere. Right when you entered the ruins, you went down a set of stairs into a watery basement. It was here that every surface above the water was covered in lobsters. I scurried back up the stairs, wanting to avoid the lobsters and there was a section of the building where a little souvenir stand had been set up. It had postcards, trinkets and books but no one to sell them to you. I remember some of the books were on interesting topics but I don't recall what they were.

I'd also had several of my "typical" anxiety dreams earlier in the night. Mainly based on the idea that J-boy was unhappy with me or didn't want to be with me. I hate those dreams. I wake up from them feeling incredibly hurt and paranoid that they are point to the truth. What's bizarre is that things have been a lot MORE loving and kind between us for several months but these dreams shake me up so much that I end up questioning it all. It's enough to make a person crazy.

I know there were lots of other weird things in the dreams, like finding J-boy with his samurai sword killing monsters in a field after he'd left me. I was on a tour bus and asked them to stop it because I needed to get off. The driver said "Finally" as if everyone on the bus knew that I shouldn't be there but that I should rather have been with J-boy. I remember driving around a number of small towns and walking down gravel roads. I remember driving on a road that had been slightly flooded over and was covered in little bits of green pond scum. It was beautiful to look at.

I'm prone to vivid dreams, so this is all pretty usual for me. I only wish it didn't have such a strong impact on my waking mind. Waking up and feeling like your partner hates you is not fun.

My final project for my class is done. Again. This time I do believe it is better. I added some things, fixed up a few other things and feel much better about it than I did when I thought I had to hand it in last week.

I even managed to get my printer to print it off and save myself having to get it printed somewhere (last week my printer was confused and only liked the colour blue). The trick was to take out the empty (or clogged?) black cartridge and just use the colour cartridge (which is really the one that I needed to have working). The letters aren't as black as they would be with black ink but they're still legible and it's a hell of a lot cheaper than getting it done somewhere!

To top it all off, I have time to spare! I can just relax for an hour or so before I even have to think about heading to campus.

For a while it looked like something exploded all over our living room. I can't believe all of that stuff fit into the closet! Most of the stuff is mine. It's looking good now and the closet is nice and roomy. There's a FLOOR in there!!

My best find was a USB key that had the story that I'd tried to write for NaNoWriMo a couple years back. I'd honestly thought I'd lost it (the story, not the USB thing). I was surprised to see that I'd actually written 10,000 words. Not bad for a first attempt with no plot outline or any idea of what I wanted it to be. It was in one of the many backpacks.

And just because it amuses me...

Items extracted:

1 clarinet - shelved
1 drill set - shelved
1 CRT monitor (J-boy's)
1 great big easel, made for me by my step-dad - still trying to figure out what to do with this
1 wireless keyboard, 1 small, 12" metal ruler, 1 empty art tube, 1 stray power cord
1 bin of artwork - artwork stored more compactly in closet, bin used to store other things

2 pieces of masonite board - sitting on easel

3 sets of roller-blades (2 mine, 1 J-boy's) - organized and returned to the closet
3 bags of miscellaneous computer wires/parts - mostly trashed
3 jackets, 2 vest things, 4 sweaters - jackets and vest have been put on hangers, sweaters need to be washed

10 rolls of xmas wrapping: 3 un-opened, 5 partially used, 2 horribly mangled

11 re-usable shopping bags (Yay! I found my Harmony milk bag... but why the hell do I have so many of these?!)
-organized and returned to the closet

23 Backpacks/Bags/Purses, only one that was J-boy's... and most of them had things in them! Eeek!
-13 given away
-10 organized and stored in a rubbermaid bin, easily accessed, back in the closet

Still lots of cleaning to do but I'm happy with the progress so far.

Today I begin the first day of "Operation Get Rid Of or Give Away 1001 Things". I'd listed this as one of my goals for this year and I truly believe that it is something that I can do. I'm a bit of a pack rat and tend to hold on to things "just in case" I might ever need them. This means I have A LOT of stuff lying around the house and in storage that I never use or touch. As part of the process, I hope to be able to organize the things that I do want to keep, but don't use regularly.

I spent the first part of this morning getting a load of dishes done and putting away the clean laundry that I've had sitting in the basket for at least a week. I've been doing well with getting a few dishes done every couple of days and I've been cooking suppers for myself and J-boy almost as often. We've got a great little market just a few doors down from our apartment that sells a great selection of produce (and it's a hell of a lot cheaper than the grocery stores!). I tend to go there every few days and pick up a new selection of fruits and veggies to enjoy over the week. The veggies usually turn into stir-fries but it always a little bit different because I mix up the veggies each time I go. Right now they have asparagus at a decent price (I think), so I've been enjoying them in my stir-fries! Yum!

Next task - tackling the hallway closet! Eeek!